quinta-feira, 13 de outubro de 2011

Dark feelings

I love my family. I love my parents. I love my sister. I love grandma. I love my pets. But every time I come home strange feelings overcome me, I start feeling lazy and I feel hungry and depressed all the time. Sometimes I think that those things that I called out are still here...or maybe someone else is calling them...it is a possibility but grandma has been depressed a lot lately, saying that she'd better off dead....she might be attracting those things too. Idk...
Today, after I came home to my singing class I couldn't contact my teacher so I ended up not going to class and I planned to pass on the pet store on my way back to buy guinea pig food...and I almost did not go 'cuz I was being lazy...it's strange, I feel like I become another person when I'm here. I also start thinking too much about life and my role in it. And this feeling of emptiness invades my spirit...I feel insecure and useless.
As I was taking a shower I was having those visions again, seeing my self saying goodbye to everyone. Jumping from the balcony, looking myself in the eye as I jump to death. I don't know why that came to my mind again...I never wanted to throw away my life, I always wanted to live a full life. When I was little I imagined myself in the future, with a happy family, with all the dogs I could raise, with a loving husband who would give his life for me. And now, idk, that dream just faded away. It's been a long time since I dreamed about getting married, dreamed about a future together with anyone. Why can't that dream come back to me? it seems like it was ripped apart from my chest, stolen away by someone. And I don't know who did that...
I so tired of feeling unwanted, feeling like I'm a waste, feeling like all I did was let anyone down...Am I just a plastic bag? Maybe that feeling itself is just breaking me inside.
Nobody reads this but I really don't care. Because if I wanted everyone to know what I'm posting here I'd tell them in person myself. It has been a long time since I last told my beloved friends what I am truly feeling, how I'm dealing with life. Idk why but sometime back in time I just stopped sharing my feelings. Maybe because everything that has happened to me in the last couple of years was a bit too much for my mind to bear. Or maybe I just want to protect someone...or maybe I just Am too ashamed to share everything...
I am ashamed. There are some people that I just don't wanna face...because I am ashamed...because I didn't wanted them to know the truth. But they did...no one thought of my reputation...now everyone knows...in liberdade, in his college, his band friends. I wonder how can they face me?
I don't want my family to read this. Will they lock my up in an asylum? I don't want my friends to read this. Will they think I'm some kind of freak? I don't want my most beloved person to read this. Will He stop loving me?
Please, God, forgive me for I have sinned. I thought about ending my life again and I don't know why. As I wrote this I cried. I beg of you, please, help me end this pain. Help me regain my peace of mind for I haven't rest for a long time...

segunda-feira, 10 de outubro de 2011

Never give up!

Guess I'm back for good. I made this just to release my chocked thoughts out of my mind in 2010 and now idk what to do with it. Actually this blog is giving me a lot of trouble...I might just keep it until SeeSee's Lenses Giveaway finishes 'cuz my boyfriend got mad at me when he found out about it. I mean...I didn't event thought of mentioning it since I was not using it. i used just to throw up all the stuff I was holding in my throat...I hate to remember those times. Anyways.
Last saturday was Shieru's B-day and I wanted to do something special for her. So I was thinking about asking her to go to Outback with us and I would pay for her. But I had a lot of misfortunes that day. First I decided to go out to buy her a present and it started raining so hard! And we ended up soaked! And she hadn't any clothes to wear... >.<' I did not wanted Ei-chan to get mad at me so, thinking only of avoiding his rage I had the worst idea ever: Tried to dry the clothes with the hair drier! Ok I admit It was stupid. The hair drier overheated and it was completely lost...Ei-chan got so mad at me ;.; I felt so useless...I tried so very hard to do everything hard but I always end up messing everything...the rest of the night was fine and fun. But when we reached home...he got mad again...ahd we had an argument. And I tried to kill myself, again....yeah, yeah, it was another stupid idea, i know. bla bla bla. He said some hard things and it hurt. I'm weak and sometimes I can't handle the truth (?) or people saying bad things on my face.
Anyways...we settled everything right. I still don't know what to do to improve myself..and I was still with that stupid migraine! Three days with that bitch on my head, fuck! I can't think strait and also I had to avoid using my lenses 'cuz the were hurting my eyes AND I had no glasses with me! So I was part time half-blind! Well it seems like I'm trying to make excuses for my mistakes...Idk! Am I such a stupid person? Do I only have...stupid ideas? I feel so mad..with me. In the morning everything was fine again...and I just hope he is not thinking I useless...I'm just hoping he will forget that argue...I just hope he won't give up on me. Because I never wanna give up on him...

terça-feira, 4 de outubro de 2011

Changing my language.

Hi guys...if there's any soul reading this...
since I'm now following a fellow who does not speak portuguese from now on I'll be writing my articles in english ok?

Today was a good day for me. I found out one of my best buds is finally settled in love. He was alone for a long time and I'm praying for his new relationship to last forever and bring him a lot of happy moments!
I miss my friend Shieru so much..I wish she was here! i_i and she spent all day away from fb so it's getting hard to talk to her...>.<'
I'm still writing a HP fanfic and well...I'm stuck a bit since I'm not doing it alone and my friend, who's helping me with it is busy...
Today was my second keyboard class and I had to do a lot of exercises, but it was fun! My teacher is really nice and easy to talk to. My friend said he'a hot but I don't think so. I mean he's not ugly but idk, I can't get to say gaijin ppl are pretty...I mean there are a lot of pretty gaijin but there's no attraction, y'know? I guess you don't, anyways...
I was trying to update my profile pic on fb but it wasn't working! I was sooo mad! But after seing some of my fave video on you tibe (SeeSeeWorld) I felt SO much better and motivate to produce myself. And I did! I've put on some make up and do my hair, put some earings and voilá, ready to take lotsa pictures! Ha..after i remember where did I put my camera's conector to send the pictures to my computer I'll post for SeeSee ^^
Anyways, I'm also subscribed on contacts giveaway by SeeSee! Please cheer for me!^0^/
Also i did some cleaning, in both ways! swiped the floor with a broom and also did some spiritual cleaning with an incense and some salt.
I guess that's it for today!

quinta-feira, 11 de agosto de 2011

diary of an anorexic

Hoje fiz uma bobagem tremenda. Comi ruffles. Sinto que estou engordando só de pensar.
Ontem eu comi meia porção de arroz, acho que deveria ter comido menos. Tenho que maneirar mais senão minha barriga nunca vai sumir. Não vejo a hora dela desaparecer, talvez eu devesse complementar com mais abdominais. Vou tentar fazer uns 200 por dia.
às vezes é difícil segurar a gula, agora mesmo sinto uma vontade enorme de comer algo, mas preciso aguentar firme, pois já comi muita caloria.
Estou pensando em monitorar melhor meu peso, medindo as mudanças todos os dias, seria bom se a balança de casa fosse mais precisa...
Acho que amanhã vou diminuir a porção de arroz para 1/4! Talvez assim eu evite engordar muito.