quinta-feira, 13 de outubro de 2011

Dark feelings

I love my family. I love my parents. I love my sister. I love grandma. I love my pets. But every time I come home strange feelings overcome me, I start feeling lazy and I feel hungry and depressed all the time. Sometimes I think that those things that I called out are still here...or maybe someone else is calling them...it is a possibility but grandma has been depressed a lot lately, saying that she'd better off dead....she might be attracting those things too. Idk...
Today, after I came home to my singing class I couldn't contact my teacher so I ended up not going to class and I planned to pass on the pet store on my way back to buy guinea pig food...and I almost did not go 'cuz I was being lazy...it's strange, I feel like I become another person when I'm here. I also start thinking too much about life and my role in it. And this feeling of emptiness invades my spirit...I feel insecure and useless.
As I was taking a shower I was having those visions again, seeing my self saying goodbye to everyone. Jumping from the balcony, looking myself in the eye as I jump to death. I don't know why that came to my mind again...I never wanted to throw away my life, I always wanted to live a full life. When I was little I imagined myself in the future, with a happy family, with all the dogs I could raise, with a loving husband who would give his life for me. And now, idk, that dream just faded away. It's been a long time since I dreamed about getting married, dreamed about a future together with anyone. Why can't that dream come back to me? it seems like it was ripped apart from my chest, stolen away by someone. And I don't know who did that...
I so tired of feeling unwanted, feeling like I'm a waste, feeling like all I did was let anyone down...Am I just a plastic bag? Maybe that feeling itself is just breaking me inside.
Nobody reads this but I really don't care. Because if I wanted everyone to know what I'm posting here I'd tell them in person myself. It has been a long time since I last told my beloved friends what I am truly feeling, how I'm dealing with life. Idk why but sometime back in time I just stopped sharing my feelings. Maybe because everything that has happened to me in the last couple of years was a bit too much for my mind to bear. Or maybe I just want to protect someone...or maybe I just Am too ashamed to share everything...
I am ashamed. There are some people that I just don't wanna face...because I am ashamed...because I didn't wanted them to know the truth. But they did...no one thought of my reputation...now everyone knows...in liberdade, in his college, his band friends. I wonder how can they face me?
I don't want my family to read this. Will they lock my up in an asylum? I don't want my friends to read this. Will they think I'm some kind of freak? I don't want my most beloved person to read this. Will He stop loving me?
Please, God, forgive me for I have sinned. I thought about ending my life again and I don't know why. As I wrote this I cried. I beg of you, please, help me end this pain. Help me regain my peace of mind for I haven't rest for a long time...

segunda-feira, 10 de outubro de 2011

Never give up!

Guess I'm back for good. I made this just to release my chocked thoughts out of my mind in 2010 and now idk what to do with it. Actually this blog is giving me a lot of trouble...I might just keep it until SeeSee's Lenses Giveaway finishes 'cuz my boyfriend got mad at me when he found out about it. I mean...I didn't event thought of mentioning it since I was not using it. i used just to throw up all the stuff I was holding in my throat...I hate to remember those times. Anyways.
Last saturday was Shieru's B-day and I wanted to do something special for her. So I was thinking about asking her to go to Outback with us and I would pay for her. But I had a lot of misfortunes that day. First I decided to go out to buy her a present and it started raining so hard! And we ended up soaked! And she hadn't any clothes to wear... >.<' I did not wanted Ei-chan to get mad at me so, thinking only of avoiding his rage I had the worst idea ever: Tried to dry the clothes with the hair drier! Ok I admit It was stupid. The hair drier overheated and it was completely lost...Ei-chan got so mad at me ;.; I felt so useless...I tried so very hard to do everything hard but I always end up messing everything...the rest of the night was fine and fun. But when we reached home...he got mad again...ahd we had an argument. And I tried to kill myself, again....yeah, yeah, it was another stupid idea, i know. bla bla bla. He said some hard things and it hurt. I'm weak and sometimes I can't handle the truth (?) or people saying bad things on my face.
Anyways...we settled everything right. I still don't know what to do to improve myself..and I was still with that stupid migraine! Three days with that bitch on my head, fuck! I can't think strait and also I had to avoid using my lenses 'cuz the were hurting my eyes AND I had no glasses with me! So I was part time half-blind! Well it seems like I'm trying to make excuses for my mistakes...Idk! Am I such a stupid person? Do I only have...stupid ideas? I feel so mad..with me. In the morning everything was fine again...and I just hope he is not thinking I useless...I'm just hoping he will forget that argue...I just hope he won't give up on me. Because I never wanna give up on him...

terça-feira, 4 de outubro de 2011

Changing my language.

Hi guys...if there's any soul reading this...
since I'm now following a fellow who does not speak portuguese from now on I'll be writing my articles in english ok?

Today was a good day for me. I found out one of my best buds is finally settled in love. He was alone for a long time and I'm praying for his new relationship to last forever and bring him a lot of happy moments!
I miss my friend Shieru so much..I wish she was here! i_i and she spent all day away from fb so it's getting hard to talk to her...>.<'
I'm still writing a HP fanfic and well...I'm stuck a bit since I'm not doing it alone and my friend, who's helping me with it is busy...
Today was my second keyboard class and I had to do a lot of exercises, but it was fun! My teacher is really nice and easy to talk to. My friend said he'a hot but I don't think so. I mean he's not ugly but idk, I can't get to say gaijin ppl are pretty...I mean there are a lot of pretty gaijin but there's no attraction, y'know? I guess you don't, anyways...
I was trying to update my profile pic on fb but it wasn't working! I was sooo mad! But after seing some of my fave video on you tibe (SeeSeeWorld) I felt SO much better and motivate to produce myself. And I did! I've put on some make up and do my hair, put some earings and voilá, ready to take lotsa pictures! Ha..after i remember where did I put my camera's conector to send the pictures to my computer I'll post for SeeSee ^^
Anyways, I'm also subscribed on contacts giveaway by SeeSee! Please cheer for me!^0^/
Also i did some cleaning, in both ways! swiped the floor with a broom and also did some spiritual cleaning with an incense and some salt.
I guess that's it for today!