Dark feelings

I love my family. I love my parents. I love my sister. I love grandma. I love my pets. But every time I come home strange feelings overcome me, I start feeling lazy and I feel hungry and depressed all the time. Sometimes I think that those things that I called out are still here...or maybe someone else is calling them...it is a possibility but grandma has been depressed a lot lately, saying that she'd better off dead....she might be attracting those things too. Idk...
Today, after I came home to my singing class I couldn't contact my teacher so I ended up not going to class and I planned to pass on the pet store on my way back to buy guinea pig food...and I almost did not go 'cuz I was being lazy...it's strange, I feel like I become another person when I'm here. I also start thinking too much about life and my role in it. And this feeling of emptiness invades my spirit...I feel insecure and useless.
As I was taking a shower I was having those visions again, seeing my self saying goodbye to everyone. Jumping from the balcony, looking myself in the eye as I jump to death. I don't know why that came to my mind again...I never wanted to throw away my life, I always wanted to live a full life. When I was little I imagined myself in the future, with a happy family, with all the dogs I could raise, with a loving husband who would give his life for me. And now, idk, that dream just faded away. It's been a long time since I dreamed about getting married, dreamed about a future together with anyone. Why can't that dream come back to me? it seems like it was ripped apart from my chest, stolen away by someone. And I don't know who did that...
I so tired of feeling unwanted, feeling like I'm a waste, feeling like all I did was let anyone down...Am I just a plastic bag? Maybe that feeling itself is just breaking me inside.
Nobody reads this but I really don't care. Because if I wanted everyone to know what I'm posting here I'd tell them in person myself. It has been a long time since I last told my beloved friends what I am truly feeling, how I'm dealing with life. Idk why but sometime back in time I just stopped sharing my feelings. Maybe because everything that has happened to me in the last couple of years was a bit too much for my mind to bear. Or maybe I just want to protect someone...or maybe I just Am too ashamed to share everything...
I am ashamed. There are some people that I just don't wanna face...because I am ashamed...because I didn't wanted them to know the truth. But they did...no one thought of my reputation...now everyone knows...in liberdade, in his college, his band friends. I wonder how can they face me?
I don't want my family to read this. Will they lock my up in an asylum? I don't want my friends to read this. Will they think I'm some kind of freak? I don't want my most beloved person to read this. Will He stop loving me?
Please, God, forgive me for I have sinned. I thought about ending my life again and I don't know why. As I wrote this I cried. I beg of you, please, help me end this pain. Help me regain my peace of mind for I haven't rest for a long time...